expiration?

Sometimes, the crushing weight of my loneliness makes me want to hold very still until I expire.

... and then my mom buys me sushi and and it's like, whatever bitches, the world is freaking awesome.

Planets.

Someday, you will find me caccooned in the Autumn leaves.
I will sweat my skin off and you will kiss my muscle strings.
You will kiss my bones and my lungs.
You will kiss my pounding heart and you will finally understand the reasons why I left.
You will tell me, "I feel as empty and alone as the spaces between the planets."
And I will let you take my heart and my lungs and my muscle strings and
you will not feel empty anymore.

And you will be happy again. 

Bury me with the trees, so I can grow after I'm gone.

Every time the Autumn leaves fall, you will feel my touch and hear the sound of my voice.

You will finally know that you are loved.

Shadows.

Every detail of your face, every line, every blemish, every shadow, I have memorized.

I used to hide in the shadows that your face made. I was safe there.

Now the shadows are only in my dreams.

Cold, dark, shadows where only the

monsters of my imagination live.

I don't feel safe anymore.

Update.

The past two months have been a delicious blur of emotions.

Fear:

As some of you know, I got arrested about a month ago. It really shook me awake from the delirious haze that I had put myself in. I was feeling exceptionally self-pitiful and I didn't think that life had consequences. The feeling of the cold metal around my wrists really figuratively slapped me in the face. I'm awake now.

Loneliness:

My sister moved to Florida around the same time that I got arrested and I never knew how much I would miss her. Being grounded from friends really amplified how alone I felt. I miss my sister more than anything in the world and I wish I realized how much she meant to me a bit sooner. I'm aware now.

Gratitude:

My best friend is back in my life once more and I could never be thankful enough. I'm so blessed.

Closure:

The negative thoughts I had been thinking about a past relationship consumed me to the point where I couldn't sleep. I have finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason.

My life is turning around and I could never be more thrilled.

1.

I feel like a brick on a wall.

-

"Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950's. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead."

-Chuck Palahnuik.

You know that feeling?

That feeling that starts deep in your stomach, that turns into an ache that turns into acid that turns into a growl that turns into a scream that turns into tears that turns into rage that turns into fire that turns into weeping that turns into a frenzy that turns into acceptance.

That turns into emptiness.

That turns into the feeling of being numb.

That turns into sleepiness,

And dreams of dragons and prince slayers.

That turns into a fire, smoldering and hot, fueled with disgust and disappointment,

That turns into change.

Yeah. That feeling.

.

please


take


me


anywhere


but


here.

Wanderlust.

I just want to pack it all, pack it all up and just leave. I want to go on a wild adventure. To places I've only dreamed of and meet people that fit in story lines. I want to carry my belongings in a bag across my back, my world on my shoulders. But the world I want, the world I can hold. I want to go and fall in love with these places. And I want to leave with beautiful memories. I want to see the world for its beauty rather than its cruelty. But for now, for now I will close my eyes and dream.

Disguised.

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot
remove them without removing some of our own skin."

- Andre Berthiaume

Home.

I am a house and you are a tenant

You live in my stomach
You paint my walls
You leave your mail on my shelves

I am a house and you are a tenant

There are no noise complaints
Other than the singing in my ear
Every morning when the sun comes up

Things I hate that everybody loves.

• The Hangover wasn't really that funny, okay?
• Lady Gaga's Born This Way. She doesn't look anything like the way she was born. She doesn't even look human.
• Who is Chuck Norris, anyway?
• Makeup.
• Clothes.
• Babies.
• Life.
• 
  
• 
  

Sensitive white girl problems.
But you know what I do love? Chelsey freaking Child. Oh, you know what else? Being a camera whore!

You are the cosmos.

I am as hollow and empty as the spaces between the stars.

Tomb.

You waited patiently for me for me to give in to the low hum of the record you left spinning.
You silently hoped that its melodies would caress me into that vital state of easy dulled senses.
So you wouldn't have to try as hard.
You are always naked in this tomb.

Incurable.

I grew up with the mountains, on the sea, between the trees. I now live in concrete.
My body is deteriorating. I'm desperately searching for a cure to life's incurables.

Safe.

There are only two places where I feel absolutely safe:
Either in a bed with fresh, white sheets and pillows surrounding my head.
Or in water. Like on the bottom of a swimming pool.
Alone.
Peaceful.
Weightless.
Peaceful.
Nobody talking.
Nobody pretending.
Just being.
Those are the only two places. Everywhere else, I get smacked in the face with arrogance, ignorance, shallowness.

They knock me down and leave me bleeding on the floor.

-----

I want to be so many things.

You make me wish I was as beautiful as you seem to think I am.

I'm afraid of you. I'm afraid of how much I like you and the ways in which I like you and how none of it makes sense. I don't even know you. I want to know you.

Bright eyes.

My eyes adjust to the sunlight outside and that's what it's like when i first see you.


I can feel you in my bones.

No tomorrow.

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”

- Sylvia Plath

Strain.

My fears climb up my spine like spiders. 

My hair is in tangles along with my stomach. 

Music doesn't sound half as nice as it used to.

My muscles and nerves and tendons are stretching to be closer.

I want to feel your bones on my bones.