I love watching the leaves fall.
It's funny, really. I'm terrified of change.
It's just something that flaws me, and I wish I could change it, but I really am scared. Of getting a new phone. Of getting new friends. Of re-decorating my room. Of dying my hair. Of getting my braces off.
But when it comes to the seasons, I can't wait for change. I can't wait for the cold to come back, for the leaves to change color, for the snow to start falling, for the flowers to start blooming, and for the sun to get bright again.

I just need to accept the fact that things change. My life has changed so drastically over the past month. I can hardly even remember what life was like over the summer, and when I do, I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.
I want things to go back. I miss it. But, that's just the thing which is keeping me from moving on. My constant need to go back in time, my sick phobia of change. I need to move on, but it's nearly impossible for me.

I feel it in my bones. In my hips. In the base of my skull. The collapsing of my chest every so often when my heart sinks from the weight of all the emotions it could be feeling. It happens late at night. It happens at odd hours. Like when I notice my writing has changed, or when I see that some of my clothes still have your smell on them, or when I get goosebumps on my arms because a wind passes by me and for a second I think that it's you, and when I turn around, I'm still alone. Except for your ghost.

When I wake up, I'm staring at a ghost that's forgotten to fly away. It has no voice, but it follows me everywhere I go.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Today was good. I'm finally starting to be happy again. 

Despite my failed attempt at getting acceptable grades, I have made friends. 

And I have stopped thinking about austin.

This is good. This is good. (:

I hate those moments right before you fall asleep, 

when you are forced to think about all the things you try so hard to forget.

I miss austin.

Like, it's really quite pathetic how often I am reminded of him.
Everything reminds me of him, and I would do anything to see him again.

Goodbye, gravity.

You no longer keep me grounded.

I hate.

I hate when I fall down the stairs.
I hate when people lie to me about lying.
I hate when skinny girls say they are fat just to get compliments.
I hate the people who created toaster strudel, because I'm getting obese.
I hate when I am sad and everyone asks me what's wrong, and I don't want to talk.
I hate when I have a full pack of gum, and in one day at school, it's down to zero pieces.
I hate when you're singing with a friend, and your voice cracks, and it just gets awkward.
I hate when I make some delicious toast, and it falls on the ground. BUTTER SIDE DOWN.
I hate when I tell a joke, and no one laughs.


I'm having a bad week.