Day 2.

A picture of something that makes you happy. 

I can't think of just one, because there are basically too many to list.

                         

         

Trying this again.

Day 1: Introduce yourself, a recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts about you.

(I am stealing this idea from Ryan!)


'Sup?! I'm Cassidy!

1. I am my mother's daughter. 

2. I like cats more than I like people. 

3. I have successfully managed to screw up my sleeping schedule.

4. I am enamored by instruments, and I want to eventually learn to play every single one.

5. I eat more than you can even imagine.

6. I'm really awful at talking to people, which is basically why I try to run a blog and get all of the words swimming around in my mind onto something more permanent, like a computer screen. 

7. I spend the majority of my time playing embarrassing video games and watching embarrassing movies. 

8. I have the graceful abilities of a sloth. 

9. Music is my best friend and my soul mate. 

10. I love, love, love fashion. 

11. I have the same hair as a lion. A lion that doesn't comb its hair. 

12. I like to try something new every day, from wearing overalls to tasting sand. 

13. I think horror movies are nifty. 

14. I'm very close to flunking out of high school. 

15. I am profoundly directionless in life. 

Indecisive.

                    I'm sad,                                                                            but I'm happy.

                    I want to die,                                                                         but I don't.

                    I love you,                                                                        but I hate you. 

                    I'm tired,                                                                               but I'm not.

                    I'm fine,                                                                             but not really. 

                    I can't talk to you,                                            but I can't not talk to you. 

These are a few of my favorite things:

• Halloween
• Cats
• Music
• My sister
• Silence
• Christmas lights
• Blankets
• Kissing
• Good movies
• Bad movies
• Big sweaters (preferably with cats on them)
• Creating lists
• The smell of the ocean
• Campfires
• My mom
• Sushi
• Late nights
• Comic books
• Not wearing pants
• Old books
• Sleeping in
• Film
• Road trips
• More stuff I can't think of right now

D'anniversaire.

Well, I honestly could not have asked for a more beautiful birthday!
It was perfect in the sense that I ate a lot of food and was able to see all of my favorite people.
And, no, by people, I do not mean cats... although, I might mean that.

 My lovely friend, Allie, made me a Snitch cake.
And I am not exaggerating when I say that I'm pretty sure it was hand crafted by Jesus, because it was glowing with absolute perfection!


Basically, all of my gifts were Harry Potter themed. Allie also gave me a pair of socks and Tanner gave me a watch, because, well, I don't mean to brag, but I am technically a legal wizard! *scoff scoff*

I went to Olive Garden with some pretty magnificent people when Chelsey gave me a liter of Dr. Pepper (which I drank in, like, six minutes) and my mom surprised me with this gem:

I may or may not have started to cry when I got over the initial shock of realizing that MY MOTHER HAD BOUGHT ME A CAMERA:

I don't feel seventeen just yet. One more year until eighteen. I plan on making it the longest year ever. 

Growing up is not on my agenda just yet!

2.

I feel nostalgic for memories I've never had.

Weight.

I'm tired.

My heart is heavy
My eyes are heavy
My thoughts are heavy
My lungs are heavy
My feet are bulldozers
Digging into the ground
From all the weight
On my shoulders.

I'm tired.

slow

It is getting to that point of the year where I stay up all night, reading Palahniuk and sipping ice water to try to dull my fast-paced heart.

Nothing ever slows it down. 

New

I found a new place to rest my head, someone tall and someone slender. He’s like you but not the same. He doesn't read the same books or laugh at all the jokes I tell. He has a different smell. He doesn't have the same skeleton tree eyelashes. 


He is not you.

cold

I will always remember
the way you woke me to greet the sun
and the way you kept me up to greet the moon.

The November air is colder this year.

expiration?

Sometimes, the crushing weight of my loneliness makes me want to hold very still until I expire.

... and then my mom buys me sushi and and it's like, whatever bitches, the world is freaking awesome.

Planets.

Someday, you will find me caccooned in the Autumn leaves.
I will sweat my skin off and you will kiss my muscle strings.
You will kiss my bones and my lungs.
You will kiss my pounding heart and you will finally understand the reasons why I left.
You will tell me, "I feel as empty and alone as the spaces between the planets."
And I will let you take my heart and my lungs and my muscle strings and
you will not feel empty anymore.

And you will be happy again. 

Bury me with the trees, so I can grow after I'm gone.

Every time the Autumn leaves fall, you will feel my touch and hear the sound of my voice.

You will finally know that you are loved.

Shadows.

Every detail of your face, every line, every blemish, every shadow, I have memorized.

I used to hide in the shadows that your face made. I was safe there.

Now the shadows are only in my dreams.

Cold, dark, shadows where only the

monsters of my imagination live.

I don't feel safe anymore.

Update.

The past two months have been a delicious blur of emotions.

Fear:

As some of you know, I got arrested about a month ago. It really shook me awake from the delirious haze that I had put myself in. I was feeling exceptionally self-pitiful and I didn't think that life had consequences. The feeling of the cold metal around my wrists really figuratively slapped me in the face. I'm awake now.

Loneliness:

My sister moved to Florida around the same time that I got arrested and I never knew how much I would miss her. Being grounded from friends really amplified how alone I felt. I miss my sister more than anything in the world and I wish I realized how much she meant to me a bit sooner. I'm aware now.

Gratitude:

My best friend is back in my life once more and I could never be thankful enough. I'm so blessed.

Closure:

The negative thoughts I had been thinking about a past relationship consumed me to the point where I couldn't sleep. I have finally come to terms with the fact that everything happens for a reason.

My life is turning around and I could never be more thrilled.

1.

I feel like a brick on a wall.

-

"Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the early 1950's. These days, most of the people you hear laughing are dead."

-Chuck Palahnuik.

You know that feeling?

That feeling that starts deep in your stomach, that turns into an ache that turns into acid that turns into a growl that turns into a scream that turns into tears that turns into rage that turns into fire that turns into weeping that turns into a frenzy that turns into acceptance.

That turns into emptiness.

That turns into the feeling of being numb.

That turns into sleepiness,

And dreams of dragons and prince slayers.

That turns into a fire, smoldering and hot, fueled with disgust and disappointment,

That turns into change.

Yeah. That feeling.

.

please


take


me


anywhere


but


here.

Wanderlust.

I just want to pack it all, pack it all up and just leave. I want to go on a wild adventure. To places I've only dreamed of and meet people that fit in story lines. I want to carry my belongings in a bag across my back, my world on my shoulders. But the world I want, the world I can hold. I want to go and fall in love with these places. And I want to leave with beautiful memories. I want to see the world for its beauty rather than its cruelty. But for now, for now I will close my eyes and dream.

Disguised.

"We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot
remove them without removing some of our own skin."

- Andre Berthiaume