Isolation.

I'm
just
an
empty
shell
of
the
happy
person
I
used
to
be.

Things that annoy me:

1.Grammatical errors.
2. PeOpLe who talkkk liiiiike this;;; jkkkk ilyy.
3. Girls who squeal like orks/like Justin Bieber/think they are too cool to like Star Wars or anything lame that I like.
4. Girls in general, pretty much.
5. Teenagers who believe they are in love with every relationship they get themselves in.
6. Those fucking annoying birds who wake me up every day at unbearable hours.
7. The trolls that always say, "I dunno... can you?" when you ask them if you can use the restroom.
8. People who text passionately to the point that they have no idea what's happening in real life.
9. People who can't spell/think they know everything/eat loudly.
10. When somebody asks me for advice, and then proceed to argue with me once I give it to them.
11. Pricks who wear their sunglasses inside. I mean, really? Who are you fooling?
12. When I take a lot of good pictures only to discover that the memory card wasn't in.
13. Unfunny people who laugh at their own jokes.
14. Religious fanatics of any type.
15. Children.

Anyways. I know I already have a post like this, but I just get annoyed so easily! That's enough ranting. (:
Tonight was wonderful. I officially met a really interesting person named Noah. And, well, I dunno.
I'm sort of happy, and really excited to go to Ventura next week. I imagine I will be getting zero sleep tonight.

My mind

has exploded from last night. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) was definitely worth waiting in line for 5 hours. It was one of the greatest things to happen to my eyes. Alan Rickman as Snape, is definitely the most attractive thing ever. Bellatrix Lestrange did just magnificently. And, of course, my heart will always belong to Rupert Grint. Anyways, I really loved being there last night, I was surrounded by people who are just as nerdy and lame as myself, and well, I felt like I could go up to anyone, and make an inside joke, and they would understand. Anyways, that's enough of my useless rambling.OH, AND I DRANK BUTTERBEER. BUTTERBEER. IT TASTED LIKE JESUS!

My favorite quote.

“In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots. And when something really terrible happened — like a nuclear bomb, or at least a biological weapons attack — an extremely loud siren would go off, telling everyone to get to Central Park to put sandbags around the reservoir.” 

-Jonathan Safran Foer.

Today sucked. I ate like thirty apples.
And I drove home, and got honked at. Twice.
So, now that I'm all self-conscious about my driving skills,
I decided to take a nap and think about where I'm going to live when I grow up.
Soo, I know I'm only fifteen, but I will live in every single one of these houses.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

My body and my brain need to catch up to one another.

Human.

I'm walking around with these glossy eyes. "I'm just tired," I say. But you know what? It's complete blasphemy. Yes, I am tired, but not from lack of sleep. I am tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things I find no enjoyment doing. I'm tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over me even though my days are packed. I'm tired of the loneliness that presses against me, even though I'm surrounded by dozens of people. So, why can't I just admit it? Humans are so afraid to look into each others' eyes and say, "I am unhappy, I am broken, I am hopeless and fallible." We've been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious. As if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared. Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and "I'm fine, thanks, you?" Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. We are humans. We are meant to feel. To feel everything and feel it all openly. We are not metal- we are flesh and bone. Our boiled blood curses through our cold, clammy hands. We are intricate and beautiful and we should never hide our human parts, because if we do, what's left to show?

And remember.

You can't spell slaughter without "laughter"

I'm on a Christmas high! I've been drinking pomegranate 7-Up and listening to Christmas music.

I know, it's still two months away, but I'm groping the thought with excitement.

I want to drink eggnog and put up a tree and dress up like santa and fill my belly with candycanes. 

But the peppermint kind. Those are the only good kind. 

I love.

I love mustaches.
I love the sound of the banjo.
I love when I see people reunite.
I love the feeling of warm tea in my stomach. 
I love it when someone cool falls on their ass.
I love the moment when I'm about to fall asleep.
I love when people start singing along to a song a few seconds early. And they try to cover up with like, awkwardly swaying back and forth.
I love it when somebody's waving at me, and I wave back, to find out that this person was waving to someone standing directly behind me.
I also love it when I make a joke, and someone laughs really hard, and I continue to laugh because they think I'm so funny, but then I find out that they were laughing at someone else. Because I'm not funny at all.
I love watching people run into things.

I was born with an enormous need for affection.

And a terrible need to give it.

Well, you guys. I'm really sorry for how depressing my posts have become. I know it probably gets annoying, but hold on to your privates, boys and girls, because I am happy! Yes. I know. It sounds unfathomable. But I decided that it's completely not worth it dwelling on my own sadness. I'm super selfish, and I need to start focusing on the happiness of others. So, yes. Expect the unexpected, my glorious followers. EXPECT. THE. UNEXPECTED.

ps: "Earth" without "art" is "eh."
Yeah. Think about that. -thrust-

Fuck this.

I wanna be a cat.

homesick.

The split second before I sleep is the most active second of my life. I thought about so much last night.

I've realized that homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, I’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. Even when I'm at home, I am still homesick. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I just don't feel welcome in my house anymore. I'm longing for something to make me feel at home, but I have trouble finding this thing.
My life has been one long longing.

What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid of children and ants.
I'm afraid of my lungs collapsing.
I'm afraid of fire burning our world down.
I'm afraid of space and the stars and the wind.
I'm afraid of waking up one day and forgetting who I am.
I'm afraid of tears streaming down the faces of those I love.
I'm afraid of growing old and having weak bones and eyes that can't see.
I'm kind of terrified of the world.

Happy Halloween.

I love watching the leaves fall.
It's funny, really. I'm terrified of change.
It's just something that flaws me, and I wish I could change it, but I really am scared. Of getting a new phone. Of getting new friends. Of re-decorating my room. Of dying my hair. Of getting my braces off.
But when it comes to the seasons, I can't wait for change. I can't wait for the cold to come back, for the leaves to change color, for the snow to start falling, for the flowers to start blooming, and for the sun to get bright again.

I just need to accept the fact that things change. My life has changed so drastically over the past month. I can hardly even remember what life was like over the summer, and when I do, I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.
I want things to go back. I miss it. But, that's just the thing which is keeping me from moving on. My constant need to go back in time, my sick phobia of change. I need to move on, but it's nearly impossible for me.

I feel it in my bones. In my hips. In the base of my skull. The collapsing of my chest every so often when my heart sinks from the weight of all the emotions it could be feeling. It happens late at night. It happens at odd hours. Like when I notice my writing has changed, or when I see that some of my clothes still have your smell on them, or when I get goosebumps on my arms because a wind passes by me and for a second I think that it's you, and when I turn around, I'm still alone. Except for your ghost.

When I wake up, I'm staring at a ghost that's forgotten to fly away. It has no voice, but it follows me everywhere I go.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Today was good. I'm finally starting to be happy again. 

Despite my failed attempt at getting acceptable grades, I have made friends. 

And I have stopped thinking about austin.

This is good. This is good. (:

I hate those moments right before you fall asleep, 

when you are forced to think about all the things you try so hard to forget.

I miss austin.

Like, it's really quite pathetic how often I am reminded of him.
Everything reminds me of him, and I would do anything to see him again.

Goodbye, gravity.

You no longer keep me grounded.

I hate.

I hate when I fall down the stairs.
I hate when people lie to me about lying.
I hate when skinny girls say they are fat just to get compliments.
I hate the people who created toaster strudel, because I'm getting obese.
I hate when I am sad and everyone asks me what's wrong, and I don't want to talk.
I hate when I have a full pack of gum, and in one day at school, it's down to zero pieces.
I hate when you're singing with a friend, and your voice cracks, and it just gets awkward.
I hate when I make some delicious toast, and it falls on the ground. BUTTER SIDE DOWN.
I hate when I tell a joke, and no one laughs.


I'm having a bad week.